Within the confines of my deepest thoughts, I leave you. There in which my worst self subverts my best; I leave your metaphorical presence to remind myself that I am not yet rotting. That their image of me reflects a forged copy, and nowhere close the real one. Here is where you remind me that though I’ve lived long enough to almost believe this is my truth, it is not. I was just a persistent coal buried among others, not a diamond in the rough. But this is where you paved way so I no longer have to hug my knees in shame. You make it easier for me to love myself.
I leave you in my fears. It allows me the courage to face expectations you have of me. You have never failed to convince me that you love me as I am. But understand that I will not allow room for mishaps, nor will I risk jeopardizing the way you hold me in high regard. Here is where you bind my past, not so it will never resurface, but so it stays to remind me of my mistakes. This is where you teach me that yesterday is but a fragment of today’s wrinkles. And who I was doesn’t have to define who I am. Here is where I understand that I can disappoint you, but that I would rather not.
I leave you in our inability to be similar. In arguments and fights, in misunderstandings and disagreements – I find that I can be forgiving, understanding, inconsiderate, and spiteful. Here is where you show me that I am human. One minute I can be fueled with anger, and humble with compassion the next. My existence is a ticking time bomb consisting of extreme emotions, waiting to explode. You are a constant reminder of the reality that every one of us rides a stream of unstable consciousness, except that mine is an ocean. This is where you forgive me for my faults, and I for yours.
Within concrete walls of my undesirable, mundane, suspicious heart, I leave you. When I am closest to giving up, this is where I clumsily trace my veins back to you. Here is where you constantly pull me back to the world we fabricated. A world filled with truths both pleasant and ugly. I will always be under the impression that one day our differences will catch up with us. That we will someday go our separate ways. But this is where you continuously make it clear that we won’t. Never. Not in this lifetime or the next.
I’m leaving you; in my actions, time, words, thoughts, dreams, organs, ideals, steps, rights, wrongs, failings, accomplishments, questions, and answers. I’m leaving you; in my past, my present, my future. On the day I told you I loved you to the day I’ll stop breathing in air to say it, I leave you. I leave you beneath pieces of me, and I take you everywhere I go. I am a reflection of you, and you are a reflection of me.
In my entirety is where I leave you. In yours is where I leave myself.